dirty medical jokes

What did the full glass say to the empty glass? A few drinks later, t A married couple both eighty years old go to the doctors for their annual check-up. Please provide your email address and we will send your password shortly. The stranger says, "How about 20?" You must be clozapine because you make me drool uncontrollably. Please enter your email to complete registration. "During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: Because youre giving me a serious bone condition! Antibody - One who hates his body . David: "Doctor, he didnt hang himself. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. ", An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic. It's either you're not in touch with reality or you just don't care! Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. 80-year Old Joke A Doctor And A Patient Joke Aids Joke Aids Or Alzheimers Joke Annual Check Up Joke Attorney And The Pathologist Joke A Young Doctor Joke Beautiful Joke Brain Reduction Joke Bubba At The Doctor Joke Cars Joke Delivery Joke Desperate Men Joke Diagnostic Computer Joke Doctor Parker Joke Doctor's Funeral Joke Doctors Joke Now you can easily and quickly add contacts from your email account (such as Gmail, Hotmail, Yahoo etc. 4. The next Doctor s What is 18 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole? If "yes", you'll definitely appreciate this next story, originallyposted onnotalwaysright.com. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. "The first lesson is that you must not be afraid of the human body, alive or dead" he says as some of the students are visibly uncomfortable. The doctor said, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up. What part of the body did the chiropractor fix when Eminem came in?Shadys back. Pilot left his microphone on. ", 8. I'm desperate!""Aha!'' "There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said 'Keep off the Grass. The Bored Panda iOS app is live! I think I should shoot it again, but with a scoped rifle next time. Q: Did you hear about the optometrist that fell into his lens grinding machine? I cant pay that before the end of the month!Doctor: OK, then you have six months to live.. 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Why did the mattress go to the doctors?It had a spring fever. ", Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?Yes, of course.Great! Once the doctor entered the exam room, he started asking all the usual questions about symptoms and how long theyve persisted. Let's take a look at our favorite short jokes for adults only: As far as dirty jokes go, we can safely say that size doesn't matter. He said he could feel it in his bones. "Woman: "Oh, that's actually a nice name. Hell have you in stitches.. 12 Patient Care. The nurse who can smile when things go wrong. I'd like to finger your fret board. Barium: What doctors do when patients die. 74 apple jokes, puns and one liners! A man returned to the U.S. after a trip abroad feeling very ill. I'm going to have to put your cat down. A group of physicians are duck hunting. "My memory's not all that bad," says the husband. 94 Pins 5y M Collection by Mary Sedivy Similar ideas popular now Humor Funny Medical Humor That doesnt mean ignoring your health though. Wife: No, he said you could have a stroke at any time. Patient: Doctor, doctor, I feel like a dog.Doctor: How long have you felt like this?Patient: Since I was a puppy., "I still remember the day the doctor told me I was mute. That will be $500." Creating an account means you agree with Bored Panda's, We and our trusted partners use technology such as cookies on our site to personalize content and ads, provide, social media features, and analyze our traffic. Cauterize: Made eye contact with her "So the doctor gives the man the tablets, and the patient asks, "Do I have to take them every day?". Was that vertigo? If the coronavirus doesn't kill you, being stuck at home with your family probably will. u/daugarten. Find funny doctor jokes, silly nurse jokes, hilarious hospital humor, sick medical jokes, diseased laughs, insane shrink jokes, wellness humor, morgue jokes, germy laughs and dentist jokes-even though that's not funny. If I treat someone with pneumonia, he will die of pneumonia., A guy strolls into work with both of his ears bandaged up.His boss asks him, Jeez, what happened to your ears?Well, yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang, and I accidentally answered the iron.Well, that explains one ear, the boss replied, but what about the other one?I had to call the doctor!, A man having trouble with his vision decides to visit his doctor. ", A man takes his wife to get tested.Several days go by, and he receives a call from the doctor.The doctor tells him, "Due to an unfortunate mix-up with the lab, we are not sure if your wife has Covid-19 or Alzheimer"The man, clearly frustrated, asks, "Well what am I supposed to do with that kind of information? ", A doctor says, "The good news is it's all in your head. I heard he really made a spectacle out of himself.". He turns to the group and says, "It was too small for a condor, too big for a sparrow. While on the operating table, she came very close to death and had the opportunity to speak with God.Is my time up? she asked him.No, God answered, you still have 40 years, 5 months, and 3 days to live.Upon recovery, the woman felt sublime. Jerry is in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. a licensed medical practitioner; "I felt so bad I went to see my doctor". Enjoy! There once was a man from Nantucket Who kept all his cash in a bucket. You sent me a bill for $1,000. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. Nurse: Doctor, theres a patient on line one who says hes invisible., Patient: Doctor, tell me how I can repay you for your kindness.. 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", A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 10 months.The woman asked the doctor about her baby.Doctor: "You had twins, a boy and a girl. How many doctors does it take to change a lightbulb? "Woman: "No, no, no! "Doctor says, "Take the spoon out of your mug. We think the doctor would do a way better job than us. "Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine." NBC. 69% of people find something dirty in every sentence. If you were a concentration gradient, I'd go down on you. Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." What part of the body did the chiropractor fix when Eminem came in? ", What did the man say to the x-ray technician after swallowing some money?Are you seeing any change in me?. Between the first and second hole. she replied. Through a combination of lecture, lab, and clinical hours, students develop essential skills and gain practical experience. These hilarious jokes prove that blondes really do have more fun. To complete the subscription process, please click the link in the email we just sent you. Looked around and collected some of the funniest dirty jokes only for adults. Q: Does an apple a day keep the doctor away? Where? he asked. "Is it serious?" "The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign. Source: tabloidindia.com ", What did the balloon say to the doctor?I feel light-headed.. Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. I dont understand what the point of acupuncture is! 1) Best Irish joke is "The Doctor.". When the man came back, the doctor gave him a shot, but that didnt help either. The wife can't orgasm because it's too damn hot. What about the boy? Is probably going off duty. ", 4. What dont you want to hear in the middle of surgery?Wheres my watch?, Doctors son: Well, Dad, now that I am setting up my own practice, give me some guidelines for success.Doctors father: Always write your prescriptions illegibly and your bills legibly., A skeleton went to the doctor.The doctor looked at the skeleton and said, Arent you a little late?. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me." "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy." "OK," said the man. You have 206 bones in your body, want one more? Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels. Not my brother. Masturbation always leads to sex. ""I made a doctors appointment for 3:30 p.m. Let me in!". the man pleads.The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk. Accountancy is the oldest profession in the world. Im feeling a little off today. It's just a small scalpel incision. ""3:30 who? ", A parrot swallows a Viagra tablet. ", Doctor: "Sorry sir, but your body has run out of magnesium. Patient: Doctor, Ive swallowed a spoon.Doctor: Sit down and dont stir.. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: Doctor: 'What about a cardboard box?'. Woman on the phone: "My husband accidentally swallowed an Aspirin, what should I do now? She said, "Who was that? Two doctors meet at the bar and decide to hook-up. It's St. Patrick, a Perfect Time to Be Punny. Bored Panda works better on our iPhone app. A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of cough syrup.Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks, Well? Can you check it out please?" Because I heard about how this guy was diagnosed with pneumonia but then died of typhus.Doctor: No worries here, that wont happen to me. A mother complained to her consultant about her daughter's strange eating habits. Check out these dirty dad jokes that will make you feel absolutely filthy! Doctor, "Tell him I can't see him.". Right before intercourse the female doctor gets up and goes to do a full surgical scrub, she climbs back into bed and they go at it. But I stand corrected. Grand Est covers 57,433 square kilometres (22,175 sq mi) of land and is the sixth-largest of the regions of France. A man having trouble with his vision decides to visit his doctor. Shingles, he responded. Triple Bypass: Better than a quarterback sneak What happened?Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company., Are you an organ donor?No, but one time I donated an old piano to the Salvation Army!. Whether you're a doctor, nurse, medical or healthcare student, or another member of the healthcare force. Some @$$#le has my pen! Then into its ears.Finally, she turns to the girl and says, "I'm very sorry. Hilariously Inappropriate List of Dirty Jokes I told them, "Just you wait!" 5. 2. ER: The things on your head that you hear with, Genes: Blue denim slacks After examining him, an Irishman goes to the doctor and says, "You have some problems with your heart, but if you take these tablets, I think it will be okay. #2. A: He made a spectacle of himself ", "I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. Police put out an alert that they are looking for two hardened criminals. So he decided to fulfill his REAL dream and become an auto mechanic. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All sorted from the best by our visitors. Jones: What? A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Coma: A punctuation mark. A friend of mine was destined to be an osteopath. Take these pills and come back next week.". Want to have more fun? The first Doctor says: "I love doing surgery on Artists, they are so colorful: red Hearts, pink Stomachs, green Spleens." A son tells his father: you know, you could do better.. We have a simple and elegant solution for you! ", 5. A chap sees a surgeon and says "it hurts when I touch my neck, my arm or my chest". He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a barrage of extensive tests.The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.This is your doctor. Who stands in for doctors when they need to go on leave?The hip replacement guy. A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; He was able to change my mind. Question: Does an apple a day keep the doctor away? "My cat is very fat," she says. My wife is pregnant, and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before. ", A pirate goes to the doctor and says, "I have moles on me back aaarrrghh. By: Murad ( 0) ( 0) Dolly Parton just got a dose of her own medicine. "The patient replies, "But, Doctor, my name is not Jim. I suppose he just had to be a little patient. Please give me your bill.Doctor: Be calm. Why did Dracula go to the doctor?He couldnt stop coffin! Patient: Doctor, doctor, Im going to die in 59 seconds!Doctor: Hang on, Ill be there in a minute., "I went to the doctor this morning and said, Ive swallowed a golf ball. The doctor said, Yes, I can see its gone down a fairway.", The doctor stood by the bedside of a very sick patient and said, I cannot hide the fact that you are very ill. Is there anyone you would like to see?Yes, replied the patient faintly. By queensland university of technology. They aren't yours. 11 dirty jokes to laugh your heart out. A: One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats. Anyone can write on Bored Panda. How did the doctor cure the invisible man?He took him to the ICU. 6. Why did the pillow go to the doctor?He was feeling all stuffed up! Here are even more adult jokes that are easy to remember. Take a hot bath, and when you get out, open all the windows and stand in the draft.But if I do that, Ill risk getting pneumonia doc, replied the man.I know, said the doctor, but I can cure pneumonia!, One day, a man walked into a doctors office and told the receptionist he had shingles. "Eventually," said the consultant, "she will rise and shine." I had no words. !Nurse: B positive.Doctor: Im trying, but hes lost a lot of blood., "Knock, knock. Dentists always get to the root of the problem. She told me to stop going to those places. Series: World Series of military baseball, Medical Staff: A doctor's cane Why did the library book go to the doctor?It needed to be checked out. But that is why we like um! The vet interrupted him by saying, Look, Im a vet. Then she looks at its eyes. Because he's so fat? Patient: "Someone vandalized my house last night!". "He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart. "Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help." "I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense. Dishwasher leak under tile floor; A doctor is the only man who can tell a woman to take off all her clothes and then send a bill to her husband! You are very ugly too.". Son Tells His Parents Hell Never Speak To Them Again After Finding Out Theyre Paying For Sisters Education Yet Didnt Pay For His, The Best And Worst Transformations Seen During School Reunions, As Shared By These 30 Internet Users, 'You Are Not Alone': I Made Relatable Illustrations Of A Middle-Aged Panda Experiencing Daily Struggles (16 New Pics). "The doctor goes back to his office and returns with a pole with an iron hook.The man screams, What are you going to do with that, Doc?The doctor replies, Im going to open some windows.. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, You are back early, whats wrong? Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. If I were an enzyme, Id be DNA helicase, so I could unzip your genes! What is awarded to Dentist of the Year?A little plaque. A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 10 months. email addresses were disqulified from the list and couldn't be sent. "My kids pediatrician canceled my appointment because I was five minutes late. So, I replied, "Homers fat, and Marge has blue hair. 11 dirty jokes to laugh your heart out. A group of first year medical students are gathered around a table with a naked cadaver on it.. Their instructor motions for them to come close for their first 3 lessons of medical school. Make sure to tell these to true . Fo drizzle. ", Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards.". Husband: The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks.. What are you going to do, Doctor?Well, were going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and quesadillas.Will that cure me? asked the man hopefully.The doctor replied, No but its the only food we can get under the door., "When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance. ", 4. Doctor: Mr. I cant stop my hands from shaking.. Whats the difference between bird flu and swine flu? The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993. Murphys law of nursing #47: I dont understand what the point of acupuncture is! Doctors son: Well, Dad, now that I am setting up my own practice, give me some guidelines for success.. Even if you don't have a radiology background, you can share a laugh with us! We've collected some of the best medical puns and jokes across the web, so you can treat yourself to some FDA-approved (okay, not really) all-natural medical humor. Who do you call when you need a doctor immediately?The nearest golf course. You have tennis elbow. Why did the doctor laugh at the x-ray of an arm?Because he found the x-ray humerus. Title of the movie. Have you seen all jokes? . I'd love to strum your g-string. He said its just a pigment. A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was sent to the hospital one day. Submitted By: N.S.Srivatsan | Current Rating: 3.1. Score: 1. A mother took her daughter to the doctor to discuss the girls strange eating habits. I never loved you in the first place. Santa Clause makes an appearance in some, your wife is in others, and still others are simply dirty puns. Dr. Cohen doesnt tell me a word., A patient went to their optometrist and said, Whenever I drink coffee, I have this sharp, excruciating pain in my eye. Patient: Doctor, doctor, Im addicted to brake fluid.Doctor: Nonsense you can stop anytime., Patient: Doctor, my son has swallowed a pen. he asks. When he arrives at the office, the receptionist asks whats wrong.I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes, the man complains.Have you ever seen a doctor? she asks.No, just spots maam., One day, a veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. What did the man say to the x-ray technician after swallowing some money? Why wouldnt you bring your fingers? asks the doctor.I couldnt pick them up!. Does an apple a day really keep the doctor away? If you'd like to enjoy some moremedical humor, one linersandfunny hospital jokes, be sure to check out our collection ofmedical puns. I hung him there to dry. Returning visitor? Dad: Don't be silly son, you were an accident. Months? Wanna take the joke a little far? They then bump it up to 20%. Also got a degree in English language and literature because grammar is important!Good coffee and good music make everything better. Funny Knock Knock Jokes To Tell Your Friends. A very angry woman stormed up to the receptionists desk at a doctors office. See TOP 10 doctor one liners. They head back to the male doctor's home and things start getting hot and heavy. I'm Jim. The patient has no previous history of suicides. When someone from the passengers shouted 'He asked for a cup of coffee too'. This helps a little. Dirty Limericks are the best kind of limericks and the most popular! 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He put a sign up outside that said: "Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured get back $1,000." ", Doctor: You have high blood pressure and amnesia., Patient: Doctor, doctor, I stood on a LEGO!, Doctor: "I've got good news, and bad news. Doctor: Mr. Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so. Turns out the doctor is schizophrenic, and he is talking to his evil reflection. You wouldnt know if you had that. We're asking people to rethink comments that seem similar to others that have been reported or downvoted, By using our services you agree to our use of cookies to improve your visit. A: Only if you aim it well enough. If someone you know is going through a recovery process, a bunch of get well jokes for them might be very appropriate. ", 6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Joke #8: "Differences Between Graduate Nurse and Experienced Nurses". Patient: Doctor, doctor, I stood on a LEGO!Doctor: Try to block out the pain., Doctor: "I've got good news, and bad news. You make my heartbeat like a drop of epinephrine. "The doctor asked, "What was it like? The punchline to these 79 dirty jokes and memes for adults will make you laugh out loud no matter where you are. Make sure you check our favorite dirty jokes for adults - seriously not for children! I have some bad news and some very bad news which would you like to hear first?Mr. It's just a small scalpel incision. Patient: 'Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?'
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